I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
