I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
