I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
