I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
