Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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