Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Randomize
