News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Randomize
