never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
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