cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize