she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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