his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
