somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
