I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
