I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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