I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Mom said you looked used
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
