Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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