apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
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