one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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