just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
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