They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
