Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
