I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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