we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
