I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
