This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize