So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
