This is not my ceiling
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
