it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
