We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
