hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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