sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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