So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
