You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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