Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
