The Swedes wanted a tensome.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
My feet surprised me
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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