I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
it was like eating out sand paper
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Randomize
