I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
