literally had 100 drinks last night.
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
