I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Randomize
