Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
