I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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