We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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