I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
i've created a new STD.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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