Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
