I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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