There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
They are going to name an STD after you.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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