Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
You had me at "let me see your balls"
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
