her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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