In the future we'll all be gay
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
