I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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