I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize