Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Need sex. Gaining weight.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
