when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
