I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
