My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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