Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
