I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
