new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Randomize
