Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
We have started to decorate penises.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
